Divorce is never easy, and in situations of high-conflict divorce, co-parenting can feel overwhelming. Even with the best intentions, ongoing arguments about parenting time, children’s health, and routine decision-making can leave you feeling exhausted and kids caught in the middle. The good news is that while you can’t control your ex’s behavior, you can take steps to lower the stress in your home and create more stability for your children. Let’s talk through high-conflict divorce: what it is, how to prioritize your children’s needs, and tools that can help co-parent (or when that’s not working, to “parallel parent”).  

What is High-Conflict Divorce?

Every divorce comes with challenges, but a high-conflict divorce is one where the arguing and tension don’t settle down, even after the decision to separate has been made. Instead of finding ways to work together, one or both partners may stay stuck in patterns of blame and fighting. 

Additionally, high-conflict divorces often require more involvement from lawyers, mediators, the court system, and others to settle disputes. They also tend to last longer and cost much more.

A 2016 study published in the Academy Journal of Family Law estimated that between 10- 20% of divorces in the U.S. fall into the high-conflict category. In 2023, there were roughly 672,000 divorces in the United States. That means anywhere from 67,000 to more than 130,000 families in just that year are navigating this type of divorce.

How a High-Conflict Divorce Differs from a “Regular Divorce”

A regular divorce, while stressful, usually involves two people who can eventually set aside their differences and move forward. There may be disagreements, but they tend to get resolved through negotiation and compromise. Respectful communication, even if strained at times, is possible.

However, a high-conflict divorce looks different. In these cases, the tension doesn’t ease with time and, in fact, can escalate. Parents may get stuck in cycles of blame, mistrust, or refusal to cooperate. Instead of resolving issues, they continue to argue about the same topics over and over. High-conflict divorces often include characteristics like:

• Frequent court involvement because agreements aren’t followed, or disputes keep resurfacing. Other times, court involvement can be used as a “weapon” or a way for one parent to get control. Frequent court motions and hearings can last for years.
• Constant hostility can include shouting matches, insults, accusations, and threats. Arguments can start over seemingly small things. Minor disagreements can quickly snowball into battles.
• Breakdowns in communication and boundaries in high-conflict divorces are common, leading to misunderstandings, increased stress, or the use of children as messengers or “spies.” The other parent may refuse to respond to emails or calls, or increase confusion by spreading out communication across multiple channels (texts, emails, voicemails, etc.). Additionally, sometimes the other parent may show up unannounced or refuse to respect personal space.
• High levels of mistrust and control can look like believing that the other parent is always acting in bad faith. Other times, there may be attempts to control the other parent’s personal life or parenting choices.
• Negative impacts on children, who tend to be very aware of their parents’ strained relationships. Children in high-conflict divorce frequently feel caught in the middle of their parents. Sometimes children will be afraid of sharing things that may get the other parent “in trouble.” These challenges can lead kids to experience higher stress levels. They are also at risk for developing PTSD, anxiety, depression, attentional issues, substance use, academic problems, conduct issues, or sleep problems.
• Emotional impacts of high-conflict divorces can include feelings of anger, fear, or powerlessness. It’s also common for people experiencing high-conflict divorces to experience incidents of emotional abuse from their ex.
• In severe cases, safety concerns may also be present. These can include ongoing threats of domestic violence, coercive control, or harassment. There may be continuing intimidation, threats, or stalking behaviors.
• Personality traits, including narcissism, can contribute to and worsen high-conflict divorces. Other traits can include an overinflated sense of importance, a lack of empathy, confusing emotions with facts, and challenges admitting wrongdoing or taking accountability. 

How to Reduce High Conflict

Understanding what makes a divorce high-conflict is important, but knowing the challenges is only the first step. The real question for parents becomes: What can I do to protect my children and reduce stress in this situation? The strategies below focus on keeping your children’s well-being at the center, creating clear boundaries, and managing communication in ways that minimize conflict while still maintaining both parents’ involvement.

Step 1: Prioritize Your Children’s Needs

Children need safety, predictability, and connection with both parents whenever possible. According to a 2024 study, it’s not the divorce, but the ongoing high-conflict parental dynamics, that put children at greatest risk for emotional and behavioral problems.

In order to start to shift that pattern, you can put all of your focus on the kids. Make every decision about your children and not about your ex. Ask yourself:

• Is this communication serving my children’s needs?
• Will this action reduce or escalate conflict?
• How will my children feel if they witness this interaction?
• What does my child need right now?

Step 2: Have a Detailed Parenting Plan

In high-conflict situations, ambiguity is the enemy. The more detailed your parenting plan, the less room there is for misinterpretation or manipulation. A strong plan includes:

• A clear schedule, including holidays and school breaks
• Specific transportation and exchange arrangements
• Decision-making authority over education, healthcare, religion, and activities
• Communication expectations and boundaries

Step 3: Try Communicating Differently

One of the best things you can do in a high-conflict situation is to remove emotional content from your communication. Treat all interactions like a professional transaction. For instance:

• Use “BIFF” Responses (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm), a method developed by conflict-resolution expert Bill Eddy and outlined at the High Conflict Institute.
• Stick to current parenting topics only. Avoid revisiting past problems or arguments. 
• Keep communication in writing, whenever possible. 
• Consider keeping all scheduling, documents, and communication in one place with the use of co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. These tools create accountability and reduce the chances of miscommunication, confusion, or gaslighting.

Step 4: Consider Parallel Parenting

When co-parenting, meaning collaboration and regular communication, is not working, parallel parenting may be more effective. In this structure:

• Each parent makes decisions independently during their time.
• Communication is limited and typically written only.
• Parents have minimal direct contact.

This approach protects children from ongoing parental hostility while still keeping both parents involved in their lives. It’s often recommended when there’s a history of manipulation, harassment, or intense emotional reactivity.

Step 5: Get the Support YOU Need

You don’t have to navigate high-conflict co-parenting alone. Seeking support can improve both your parenting and your mental health.

Helpful resources include:

• Therapists who specialize in family transitions, divorce, or trauma. You may benefit from having a safe space to process what you’re going through, grieve the partner and life you once had (or thought you had), and identify coping strategies and tools. 
• Parenting coordinators, mediators, or family law professionals can help revise parenting plans or assist in regular decision-making. 
• Support groups can be helpful. Many people benefit from being around others who have gone through similar experiences. Some examples include:
  • DivorceCare
  • Parents Without Partners
  • Facebook groups or local meetups for divorced parents
  • Therapy groups, for example, men’s groups, women survivors of narcissistic abuse, etc. 
• Books, including:
  • Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  • POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse
• Podcasts, like:
  • The Rising Beyond Podcast  
  • The High Conflict Institute Podcast

Moving Forward

Navigating a high-conflict divorce is never easy, and it’s natural to feel stressed, afraid, and overwhelmed. Remember: while you can’t control your co-parent’s behavior, you can control how you respond. and how you prioritize your children’s well-being. By focusing on clear communication, prioritizing your children, and ensuring your own strong support system, you create a safer, more stable environment for your kids and yourself. 

If this article was helpful for you, you might also enjoy You Can Do This: A Guide to Co-Parenting Through Divorce or Signs a Child May Benefit from Therapy.

Megan Vogels, MA, LPC, NCC, has her Master’s degree in mental health counseling from Boston College. Licensed in Colorado as a Licensed Professional Counselor, as well as a National Board Certified Counselor, Megan provides assessments, individual therapy, family therapy, and parenting support. For more about Megan, click here.