If your kids seem to be in a constant state of conflict—arguing over toys, calling each other names, or turning every car ride into a battleground—you’re not alone. As a child and family therapist, I often hear about kids fighting and the stress it causes in families. Frequent fighting between kids can impact their emotional well-being. It can also be deeply upsetting to parents striving to raise kind children with strong sibling relationships.
Whether it’s the third fight of the day or a shouting match that escalates into hitting, it’s easy for parents to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged.
But consider this: conflict between siblings can be an opportunity to promote learning—learning how to express their feelings, handle frustration, and manage disagreements.
The goal is not to eliminate all fighting (because, let’s be real, that’s not possible), but instead, to give your kids the tools to handle conflict in healthier, more respectful ways. These are tools that can transform chaos into connection—and help your kids build skills they’ll use for the rest of their lives.
1. Keep Calm and Carry On
It all starts with you. When we hear kids fighting, our instinct as parents is often to intervene quickly—and loudly. But yelling or reacting with frustration only escalates the chaos. Children look to us to understand how to handle conflict, so staying calm models emotional regulation. Take a breath, lower your voice, speak slowly, and approach the situation with a grounded presence. Our tone matters a lot, so try to be clear and firm.
For example, try saying something like, “It sounds like things are getting heated. Let’s all take a moment to breathe.” Or, “I’m hearing a lot of yelling. That tells me it’s time for a reset.” You can then suggest your kids take space from one another or change activities.
For more strategies on how to keep your cool, I’ve found this article from the Child Mind Institute helpful.
2. Teach Emotions
Many kids fight because they don’t have the words to express what they’re feeling. Helping them build a strong emotional vocabulary gives them tools to advocate for themselves without hitting or yelling.
You can do this during calm moments by naming emotions when you see them:
- “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated because your sister took the toy.”
- “Are you feeling left out because your brother didn’t want to play with you?”
- “You look relaxed sitting in that beanbag chair. Is that how you’re feeling?”
Books, games, and visual aids like emotion charts can also help younger children recognize and name their feelings more effectively. For more ideas, check out these resources from Positive Psychology.
3. Spend One-on-One Time
Sometimes kids fight to get your attention. Making time for individual connection with each child can go a long way in reducing sibling rivalry and improving emotional regulation. Even just 10–15 minutes a day of focused, undistracted time (no phones, no multitasking) can make a big difference.
During this time, let your child choose the activity and simply enjoy being together. When children feel seen and valued, they feel more secure and less likely to seek attention through conflict. You might take a walk, chat over dessert, or read a book together. A stronger parent-child relationship tends to benefit other relationships in your child’s life, including with their siblings.
Keep in mind that one-on-one time should never be contingent on good behavior. It’s a time to be together and show your children that you love them, no matter what.
4. Set Clear Expectations
Children thrive when they know the rules and the boundaries around conflict. This predictability, created through consistency, can lead to feelings of safety. Be clear about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior during disagreements. For example:
- “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s never okay to hit or name-call.”
- “If you can’t solve the problem together, you’ll both need a break before we try again.”
Follow through with consequences that are fair and not punitive—think of them as learning opportunities. Whenever possible, natural consequences can be effective in shifting behavior.
Some examples are:
- Cleaning up the mess they made
- Loss of playtime together
- Missing out on a shared privilege
- Delaying or postponing a fun activity
- Not replacing a toy or game that was broken
- Taking a time out
For more guidance on positive parenting strategies (broken down by age), read this article by the CDC.
5. Praise the Positives!
Notice when your kids are getting along, and share the positive feedback with them. Rewarding those interactions you want can increase them. You are shaping the behavior you want to see more of. A key is to be specific about the behaviors you like (and want to see more of!).
You might say, “You two are doing a great job of playing quietly with each other,” or, “I like how you figured out a way to share the new toy- awesome!”
6. Build in Transition Time
Frequently, the families I work with are super busy, and managing a lot. Work, school, sports, activities, and appointments can create a constant state or urgency, rushing, and stress for kids. When kids are overwhelmed or stressed, it can make it harder for them to manage their feelings and they may get bothered or triggered by a younger sibling.
So, when possible, share with your kids about that to expect for their day. Give them warnings when it’s almost time to clean up or leave to get on to the next thing. Check in and see if they need anything like a bathroom break, cold water, or a snack before their transition. Consider keeping requests short and simple, like, “Please hang up your backpack before you start playing.”
Slowing down to give time to adjust to a new place, new activity, or new expectation can help your child shift and adapt better to what’s around them.
7. Encourage Problem-Solving
One of the best ways to reduce fighting is to empower your kids to solve their conflicts. When emotions are calm, help them brainstorm solutions:
- “What do you think would be a fair way to take turns?”
- “What can you do next time instead of yelling?”
- “Can you do something- like make an apology or do a kind action- to help make things right?
For younger children, the early years are critical for this kind of social-emotional learning. Zero to Three has helpful resources on emotional development for toddlers and preschoolers.
8. Be Switzerland (Stay Neutral)
Even if it seems obvious who started the fight, resist the urge to play judge and jury. Taking sides can lead to resentment and discourage kids from being honest with you. Instead, focus on helping each child express their perspective and guiding them toward problem-solving.
Use neutral language like, “It sounds like you both had strong feelings about what happened. Let’s talk about what each of you needed in that moment.”
9. Create Family Rituals for Conflict Resolution
Consider adding a weekly family meeting where everyone gets to share their highs, lows, things that are bothering them, ideas for family activities, and things they want to work on. This promotes family connection, active communication skills, and teaches that conflict is a normal part of relationships. Family meetings can provide a structured space to address ongoing issues in a supportive way.
You can also create a “peace corner” or “calm down space” where kids can go when they need time to regulate before rejoining the group. Keep in mind that this is not a time-out or punishment space.
You’re Not Alone In This
Remember, sibling fighting and childhood conflicts are not signs of a parent’s failure—they’re opportunities. Opportunities for your children to learn empathy, communication, compromise, and emotional regulation. Opportunities for you to model strong communication skills and emotional maturity. And opportunities for your whole family to grow stronger, together.
If your kids’ fighting is concerning to you or impacting the well-being of a child or the family, it may be time to reach out for additional support from a teacher, pediatrician, or therapist.
As a licensed professional counselor and a parent myself, I’ve worked with many families to help build healthier communication patterns and emotional skills. To find more parenting and wellness strategies, please visit my blog.
