If you’ve ever watched your tween or teen freeze when it’s time to order at a restaurant or coffee shop, you’re definitely not alone. In fact, I’ve had this conversation with parents three times just this month. Their daughter may be smart, capable, and doing well in school, but the moment a cashier asks, “What can I get started for you?” she suddenly looks panicked, turns to you, and whispers, “Can you order for me?”

Parents often wonder, Is this social anxiety? Is something wrong? 

The answer is: maybe, but often not.

For many tweens and teens (particularly girls), ordering food or drinks (like Boba, coffee, or pink drinks) has somehow become an incredibly stressful social situation. It may seem like such a small thing to you, but to them, it can feel overwhelming.

So, Why Are So Many Teens Asking, “Can You Order for Me?”

So… why is this happening?

For one, it is the normal developmental stage. Adolescence is a time when kids become more aware of how others see them. Their brains are wired to notice social feedback, and they often believe everyone is paying more attention to them than they really are. There is an increased worry about appearing “awkward” or different. 

Many tweens and teens also tell me they have some common worries about ordering on their own.

“What if they don’t hear me?”

“What if I say it wrong?”

“What if they ask me another question I wasn’t expecting?”

If you’ve ever ordered at a coffee shop, you know there are often follow-up questions: What size? Hot or iced? What kind of milk? Name for the order? For a nervous 13-year-old, it can feel like a rapid-fire quiz in front of a line of strangers, who are all judging them.

Then there is the reality of the last several years. The pandemic interrupted many everyday opportunities for kids to practice face-to-face social interactions, like talking with peers, navigating new situations, and building confidence through small daily experiences. During important developmental years, many kids spent months learning from home, ordering less often in person, and interacting through screens instead of face-to-face conversations. This means so many fewer repetitions of these skills. 

At the same time, today’s kids communicate differently than previous generations. They text instead of call. They message rather than talk to someone they don’t know. Snapchat, where teens exchange pictures, continues to be a popular app. Technology offers convenience, but it also means fewer chances to practice those small, everyday interactions that gradually build confidence.

Current culture doesn’t help either. Many teens feel pressure to get everything “right.” To be “perfect.” Social media often highlights polished, aspirational moments rather than awkward ones, making normal mistakes seem bigger than they are. 

And Now, the Good News

The good news is that awkwardness is not the same thing as an anxiety disorder.

Feeling uncomfortable in new or unfamiliar situations is a normal part of growing up. In fact, confidence usually comes after practice… not before.

As parents, it’s easy to jump in and order for our child because we want to spare her discomfort. In the moment, it feels helpful. But if we always rescue her, she misses the opportunity to discover an important life lesson: I can do hard things, even if they feel uncomfortable.

How You Can Help

This doesn’t mean we should throw our teens into overwhelming situations. Instead, think about confidence as something that grows in small steps. You might encourage your teen or tween to order her own meal at a familiar restaurant. Maybe she starts by telling you what she wants while you place the order. Next time, she tells the server herself. Later, maybe you practice her Starbucks order together (“Could I please have a Grande, Mango Dream drink with light ice and strawberry cold foam?”). And then eventually, she orders by herself. 

Small successes can build confidence more effectively than one giant leap. And help build resilience.

Another strategy to help your tween or teen is to normalize the experience. You can say something like, “A lot of people feel awkward ordering sometimes,” or “It’s okay if they ask you to repeat yourself. Cashiers ask people to repeat themselves all day long.”

The truth is, restaurant workers aren’t evaluating your child. They’re simply trying to get the order right. If they ask them to repeat themself, it’s usually because the restaurant is noisy—not because your teen did anything wrong.

Parents can also pay attention to the bigger picture. If your child only gets nervous ordering food but happily spends time with friends, participates in activities, goes to school, and speaks comfortably in other settings, this may be a developmental stage. 

On the other hand, if fear of being judged begins to interfere with school, friendships, extracurricular activities, or everyday life, it might help to consult with a mental health professional. There may be some increased avoidance or social anxiety involved, and a skilled mental health professional can assess what’s happening and provide support if needed.

Most of the time, though, what parents are seeing is not something “wrong.” It’s a combination of typical adolescent self-consciousness, fewer opportunities to practice social skills during the pandemic, increased reliance on digital communication, and a culture that can make ordinary mistakes feel much bigger than they are.

Megan Vogels, MA, LPC, NCC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice and adjunct faculty at the University of Denver. Her go-to summer Starbucks order is currently the Grande Mango Dream drink with light ice and strawberry cold foam.